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  • Dana Ellington

Big Girls Don't Cry

You're minutes away from leaving for the funeral and you're told by a person of authority that they don't want to see any tears (I think the exact phrase included the words, "snot slinging" but my memory has definitely faded somewhat so I can't be sure); you're being spanked as punishment and you're told to, "stop all that crying" when it's over; you're teased to the point of tears, then held against your will in front of a huge mirror and told, "you're ugly when you cry."


Yes, these things happened to me.


Your father dies and you can't remember him ever saying he loved you - when you break down in grief, in fact, you are driven to your knees with it. You don't remember that experience including any kind words. There weren't any arms to hold you in your pain. You're just looked at as if you're a science experiment under general observation.


All of that to say, I don't cry easily (if at all). And if I do shed a tear, it's a quick little cloud burst. It starts with a sprinkle, then there's a deluge, and just before you worry that the Ark won't be finished in time, it stops. Cold. The whole idea of 'crying something out' is lost on me.


We live in a world that is inextricable from things that make people FEEL. And often, those feels fall in the sadness, sorrow categories. You know, things like people dying, being fired from a job, getting into a crash resulting in totaling out your car, having to euthanize a pet. Oh, and before this gets too dark, I know there are happy feels as well that bring about tears. Like those that leak out of your eyes when a baby is born, when your best friend marries their soul mate, when your mom's cancer goes into full remission. Oh! And then there was that one time I had an orgas...wait, that's probably TMI.






Suffice to say, there are all kinds of reasons people are brought to tears.


I will fight the urge to cry EVERY TIME, no matter what the circumstances are. Happy, sad, orgasmic, or otherwise. And if I do end up letting the water works have their way with me, they get roughly five minutes of air time before they've got to go back to the pits of hell from whence they came.


(was that a bit much?)


I'm aware now, that all that suppressing has done for me is prevent me from fully expressing some major feelings which has then inhibited my ability to feel a full range of amazing things - from joy to grief, I've only allowed myself to feel to a certain point, then I shut. that. shit. down. on the off chance that (gasp), I get all teary-eyed. One of my gurus, Dr. Brene' Brown, I think it was, pointed out that suppressing or hiding from one feeling dulls down your ability to fully feel any of the others.


I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to spend whatever time I have left in this iteration of my existence emotionally (spiritually, physically) bound. I've dulled my shine inside and out. That's no way for a mighty dragon to live now is it?





So yeah, anyone know if there's a Skill Share class for learning how to feel?

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