...And now we're here.
I can't believe I quit my "day job". It was a move I would have NEVER made had it not been for Death and the other Horsemen riding across the planet in 2020.
I'd gone through quite a lot physically and emotionally by the end of 2019 - menopause and all its mind-bending fuckery, a long-ago friend committed suicide, and the beginning of the end of my second marriage, combined to rough me up. By the time the pandemic shut shit down (everything except my job, or so it seemed), I was walking a fine, thin line between emotional stability and
Throughout 2020, circumstances queued up to play "how to tip her over the edge":
Bushfires in Australia rage on.
Kobe Bryant, daughter Gianna, seven others die in helicopter crash.
U.K. officially withdraws from the European Union.
Excerpt, Big Girls Don't Cry, Blog Post 1/28/20
"I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to spend whatever time I have left in this iteration of my existence emotionally (spiritually, physically) bound. I've dulled my shine inside and out. That's no way for a mighty dragon to live now is it? "
A mass shooting at Miller Brewery.
Excerpt, From Shame, with Love, Blog post 2/15/20
"So yeah, after the work debacle, I realize I've got to stop looking outside myself for love, validation, compassion, etc. Going to reconnect to myself on a grand scale. Loving words of acceptance and praise, taking myself out on dates, spending time with me doing things I enjoy doing. And taking much better care of myself on the whole."
Pandemic triggers global recession.
Breonna Taylor is killed by police in botched raid.
I was floundering at this point, and so I did what any struggling empath would do, I shut down.
The deadliest mass shooting in Canadian history.
‘Murder hornets’ introduced.
Ahmaud Arbery video shocks the nation.
George Floyd killed.
Another police-involved shooting death grabs headlines.
Bubba Wallace situation.
There was rioting in the streets, and a loudly spoken, casually racist comment kicked me in the face. I fled, crying, barely able to breathe. I contemplated suicide for the millionth time in my life. I signed up for therapy instead.
(Black) Man shot by an officer in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
And then two nights later in Kenosha ...17-year-old Kyle Rittenhouse shoots protesters.
Chadwick Boseman dies at the age of 43.
Police announced actor Thomas Jefferson Byrd was shot and killed in Atlanta. Authorities said he was shot in the back multiple times and pronounced dead at the scene in the city’s southwest side.
For the Walter Wallaces of the world, the police are not the answer.
28 days after the anniversary of the day I married the man of my literal dreams, my divorce from him was final. We'd been separated for a year by then as well. This was the proverbial straw, figuratively speaking, that broke the back of my desire to live the rest of my life the same way I had been up to that point.
By December 2020
Therapy got me through the roughest patches, but I was no closer to feeling sane. I was afraid All The Time. I wanted out. And thus, the plan began to take shape. I would, as they say, take my toys and go home. I did not want to play with people anymore. I took all those self-help sayings to heart:
I did what others wouldn't - closed out my retirement account and paid off all my debt (with the exception of the ever-present, but thankfully on hold, student loans). I put six months' worth of living expenses in the bank, then worked another three months before I "took a leap of faith" and quit my job.
I had hoped to be able to tell you that I'd successfully gotten back into the Matrix and was on my way to building my reserves back up; that I was earning enough from a 9 to 5 to finance the 15th Anniversary rebrand I have planned. In case it isn't obvious, as of the writing of this post, I am no where near having that particular dream come to fruition.
On April 2, it will be two years since I quit my job to go full time in my business. I count my blessings to have been supported in various ways as I continue to develop the 'secret sauce' to my fame and fortune. I haven't given up plotting and pantsing my way through entrepreneurship, just taking a minute to catch my breath.
Thank you so much for coming along with me. It helps not to be traveling alone. Do hope you'll continue to stick around. I imagine it's going to be beautiful when this dragon emerges from the ashes.
As always, sending light & inspiration,